Death is Hard to Come By
by Tyviculus
Summary: The Lone Wanderer looks back at all the near death experiences he had since leaving is home of 19 years, Vault 101. How much more can he endure? Will he have a life afterwards? Will he have a home to go back to? Or will his luck finally run out?


Death Is Hard to Come By

**This is the first time that I've written on this site so I apologize in advance if I write different from the way that any body is used to. I've been playing Fallout 3 for along time now and I've been unable to sleep because of my own ideas for this fanfic. First of all it surrounds a male Lone Wanderer and Amata. To me there just doesn't seem to be enough of them any where, mostly on A female character and Charon. I'm not one to criticize other writers but... Aw well, to each their own I guess. Well here goes...**

Chapter one:_Time for Mourning_

The Citadel was in a flurry. Weapons firing, people shouting and cursing, and everybody moving quickly as possible to their intended locations. And there wasn't even a battle going on. While normal activity to the Brotherhood of Steel, it wasn't the same to the Lone Wanderer.

John Wilson walked though the courtyard of the Citadel looking around at all the activity. Brotherhood recruits working their damnest to push through all their drills that the gunny was shouting at them to do. Guards posted at every door waiting for who knows what threat might pop up. The Brotherhood Scribes in their crimson robes passing each other in silence, consumed in their own thoughts.

_Just another day of their lives,_ John thought. _People don't just drop what they're doing because someone died._

The thought brought a lump to his throat. Not twenty four-hours ago his own father had been the one to die. The damned Enclave pushing their noses into everyone's affairs. Col. Bastard ordering James to turn over control of Project Purity over to them and then helping them to make it functional. His father had then flooded the room with radiation rather than surrender the work that he and his wife had done.

_Mom._

How would she have reacted to what happened? Open the door to join him in death? Accepted James' sacrifice? _Doesn't really help to dwell on it, John._ He thought.

John sighed and ran his hand through his dark brown hair. Doing so reminded him just how far he had come since the day he left the vault. Forced out into a world so alien to him with nothing but the clothes on his back, gun at his waist the few scraps of memories from his home that he was able to save. He had only had one choice as that was to find his father. John had fought through everything the wasteland could throw at him just to do so. And soon after, his father was dead.

_What else do I have to lose?_

"John?"

He jumped at the noise, causing him to reach for his .44 that he always carried on his hip. Turning he saw Doctor Li with her hands slightly raised in front of her. Feeling ashamed of his reaction, he turned and walked over to the nearest bench to sit down. Looking up at her he saw that she was still in her slightly defensive pose. Forcing a small smile, he gestured to the space beside him.

Moving slowly, Doctor Li walk over and took the offered seat. Still seeing the scared look in her eyes, he decided to try to put her at ease.

"Sorry, Doc. Just a reflex I've developed out here." He pushed out a bigger smile hoping that she would relax.

Hearing the apologetic sound in John's voice, she finally allowed herself to let her guard down. "I guess I shouldn't have snuck up on you then," she said, allowing a small smile of her own to appear. The tension broken, they both shared a laugh, though it sounded forced to the both of them.

"Are you ok, John?" She asked cautiously.

He didn't have to ask what she meant. "No."

Doctor Li flinched slightly at the hard tone in his voice, not that she could blame him. When she and James had stood outside Project Purity while they waited for John to clear out any dangers inside, he had told her about everything John had been through to find him. Bandits and mercs, yois and deathclaws, raiders and mutants. Nothing could stand in his way. And now James was dead. Died right in front of his son as he told him to run. She couldn't fathom what John had to be feeling.

"You... you want to talk about it?" she asked hesitantly.

John looked at the ground and sighed again. Li felt her heart breaking for the young man when she saw the pain that he was going through.

"What was he like before I was born?" he asked suddenly.

She was surprised at the question. What was he like before...

"He really wasn't that much different than how you saw him. Passionate. Driving. Quite insane sometimes," she said with a chuckle. "He was one of the only people in the Wasteland that truly cared about fixing at least a little of our damaged world. Him and your mother. We were so close to finally understanding the project, then..."

"I was born."

She was shocked at the self-loathing she heard in his voice. What she could see of his face had become contorted with anger. She noticed him start to shake and became very still.

"My parents were working to help everyone in the Wasteland. Try to give them fresh water, a reason to hope again." John stood up and took a few steps away across the metal ground, his boots causing a dull thud to sound. "Then I come along and take all that away. People are still dying from thirst and still have no hope. Now my mom and Dad are dead and the Purifier is in the hands of those who want to use the water to control the people who have every right to it freely." He spun on the spot and she saw that tears had begun to slide down his face. "What right did I have to be born?!" he demanded.

Li just sat there with her mouth slightly open, shocked at the raw emotion that was coming from John. While she had seen many people break down because of the hardships that they had to endure everyday, here, he was disgusted with his very existence.

She swallowed slightly and said, "I don't have words to help you, John. I wish that I did but I don't. Maybe there are no words that can make the pain go away." She stood up and walked over to him. Locking eyes with him, she put every ounce of sincerity that she could into her next words. "They loved you very much."

At her words, John finally broke. He fell to his knees and began to weep loudly and openly. His hands at his head and elbows on the hard metal ground, he let out everything that was in his soul.

Li moved quickly to his side and dropped to her knees as well. She gently placed her hand on his shoulder, and was relieved that he didn't shrug it off. Looking around she saw that everyone in the courtyard had stopped what they were doing and were staring in their direction. Starting to panic, she realized that she needed to move John out of the courtyard, but knew that she couldn't move him by herself.

Looking around frantically, she saw Sentinel Lyons running in their direction. Reaching them, she bent down, pulled him up and threw one of his arms over her shoulder. Acting instinctly, Li pulled his other arm around her own shoulder and together made their way to the building. Li saw Lyons throw a look at the gunny who began shouting at his trainees to get back into line.

Moving inside, Li realized that they were heading towards The Den. Turning her head, she could tell that the normally emotionless Sentinel was fighting back tears. Li could tell that Lyons was very concerned for the Lone Wanderer. John had quieted somewhat but still could not stand on his own. Moving into the barracks, they maneuvered him to a bed at the far side of the room and laid him down.

Li watched as John curled in on himself and continued to sob. After everything that the young man had been through, she was sure that he was going to be this way far a day or two. Looking up at Sentinel Lyons, Li noticed her jerking her head towards the door that they have just come in. Nodding in understanding, Doctor Li moved with Lyons back out of the room to give John time to himself.

Closing the door behind her, Lyons turned to the doctor and said, "I've heard a lot about all the things that he has done. Disabling that nuke in Megaton, wiping out those slavers in Paradise Falls and so many other things according to GNR. I never thought that I'd ever see him collapse like this."

"I'm surprised that he hasn't done so before now," Doctor Li countered. She had only know him for a short time and already she felt the same attraction for John as she did for James. The trust that she had for the young man from Vault 101 was the same trust that she had given his father. "He was forced from the only home that had ever known and set out to find his father only to lose him so quickly." She closed her eyes as she began to feel the sting of the tears that threatened to spring forth.

The sentinel moved closer and placed her armored hand on the distraught doctor's shoulder.

"Come on, Doc," she said. "We can't do nothing for him right now. Best to leave him be, let him get everything out. He might not feel okay later, but it will help him cope with everything that's happened."

Li nodded, and, after drying away the few tears that had fallen down her face, moved away from the den and made her way with Lyons to the laboratory to hopefully find out how they were going to take back the Purifier.

**So that's the first chapter. While playing the game, I was in a way disappointed in the lack of emotion from the LW. I mean if it had been any of our fathers, how would we have felt, huh? Don't worry though, he'll be back up again before long, because let's face it... he's the hero! Please read and let me know what you think so far. Good or bad reviews are welcome as it helps me know what it is I'm doing right or wrong.**


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